The Human Mind Trying to Protect – Sometimes From Ugly Reality

I told my ex that we were getting a divorce in April of 2012. The mob stalking started up in 10/2012. 

Written first: I don’t know why I had not thought in these terms before. The first 11 months I had depression and anxiety. This after the evil devil people in 2013. That is hell. For an in law it has been 6 years. Sure, right. I am just sure he can work, right? Wouldn’t want him to get any of those entitlements he worked to get. A side note.

Then, it was subbing. Getting a few newer letters. Then a TEMP job in north SR. Temp. Then, a TEMP job in Sebastopol. 

I have been thinking that my ex had been evil for a while. Definitely not truthful: bought a 56 Chevy w/o telling me. Found an insurance statement. He said it was a mistake – the 55. Then, a time share. Then the odd or even other timeshare. There was an amount coming into our personal account from NWM and the same amount going into another account at NWM. With at least 300,000, he did not give his nephew 1 cent. I did not expect him to give nephew cash, but some in an ed trust would have helped. He knew ALL about ed trusts. Every January, I would be sure to gather up ALL the receipts to get reimbursed from the kids’ trusts. Everything that could be considered educational. Eldest did get to go to junior colleges for cool enrichment classes, but Scouts and piano. Then, in 2011 my daughter’s school loan did not come through to pay for part of her study abroad. I had started putting the money my parents’ gave into my account. Boy, when I broached the subject of opening my own account he more than hit the ceiling.

I was buying into the guilt trip he laid down about me not working though I did once my youngest was in third grade. She and I and eldest knew where we were in the world. No one knows how hard it is to sub and basically be a single parent unless you have done it. Yes, get out your violins. I can’t get overloaded. Though when doc said watch my stress level, I started a Daisy Troop. 12 strong young girls who became 12 strong young women. 

Anyway, my daughters’ trust had fallen by half in 2008. So, my daughter had decided to take out a 4000 loan thereabouts. I paid for it. Of course. I had the money. Ex knew. His memory had been the best of anyone’s I had ever known. Remembered any information he heard or read. There was NO way he did not remember where every single cent of money went when we invested in 1986 – when the company sold. He conveniently started not remembering things. 

Oh, the worst part about the car was not admitting it when I found the insurance statement. I checked the VIN number. Also, after I said we were getting divorced 4/2012, he started forgetting things like the money I paid for my daughter’s trip. The issue was not the money, but the feeling you get when the rug is pulled out from under you. I talk about going through hell a number of times. Drive down to So Cal a few times with the kids. When they’d be asleep I would cry. 

Stupid for me to tell you that? Naw. I have not shed one tear over the vigilante Stalkers and their magic tricks over the last year. Not one. Only tears have been for my dad. But joy in the wonderful life he led. He always would take one route one way and come back by another when he could. He started having adventures in his white Landcruiser in his 60’s. He was going back to what he did in his old Model – whichever was built second. Sigh. Let’s just say that I really never knew how lucky I was to be in this world until I heard my dad’s stories about a few of the adventures in his car. 

The only way I made it as far as I did  with my ex was to cut myself off emotionally from the buying something expensive without discussing it, put downs about not working – occasionally he did mention how great our kids were doing and gave me a lot of the credit. I was talking about divorce at a one school school district in spring of 2005. I worked a full half year as a third grade sub. Yeah, but I wasn’t working, right? 

The first Friday in August 2005, we were leaving for Tahoe, and I got the call back card to have a sonogram. Oh yeah. Genetic counseling, testing, 3 surgeries, chemo, reconstruction – high pain tolerance, but that hurts. Fighting off lymhedema in one arm – successfully. Depression in 2007. Pulling self back together. Drove for first time out of city to go to required meeting for SPED.  Oh, that is what I was doing AND subbing through 1/2006 before my first surgery.

I only took one class in fall of 2007. That was enough. I was a perfectionist with my assignments. I write a one page paper on why a student with Down’s syndrome should be suspended because he had a toy gun at school. We could be pro or con. I did an absolutely incredible job. So, I used small print and large margins? 

So, I was trying my best and being put down and experiencing emotional Gas lighting – which one doesn’t realize is abuse. I realize that I couldn’t stand doing things with my ex because ALL he would talk about were complaints he had about work. I had always predicted to myself – after we had been married for a while, that we were great as a team fighting, but if we ever got settled problems would hit. Well, Wf HAD gone to a bad counselor. 

After the depression, I associated the devil he associated with in 2012-2012 to his being spiteful. Cutting himself off from someone who had crossed him. 

What triggered the realization that had I died he would have gotten all the money from the house sale? It will come. I probably couldn’t look at it from that standpoint. 2012/2013 was focused on driving me crazy. He even threatened me by using my illness to intimidate me – when we were divorcing. He was “worried” about me and talked to the kids about me. I wonder when he decided to join your ilk. He WAS driving an SUV in Petaluma one day. 

He would have ended up with a LOT of money. Could have lived in the condo. 

You don’t think you have been puppets? Oh no! Since when would a husband do that to a divorcing spouse? Eons. Late 1800’s husbands could still have a wife committed on a whim. 1950’s in Ohio – women were not supposed to work, but did not own anything and could not get a credit card in her name. Oh, I know a ton of women had to work. In general women had no rights, and so how could they get divorced?  In my case, he made out like a bandit. Did not have an attorney for a long time, so I foot the bill to have stuff moved forward. Had to put most things off when I was depressed and anxious. Then, a severe broken ankle. I had a few angels in my life. Many angels in my life. But. My caregivers were incredible. My main one has endured so much heartache. More than one person can stand. The second one was kismet, or fate or meant to be – she was the sister to the boss I had in 2012-2013. I was looking at a picture and I could have been blown over with a feather. Family is family, but I got more than just an impression that my assessment of her was not far from the mark. 

So, you just keep up carrying out what people did 20 years ago, but said, “oops, when my husband showed up at the track. Interesting how having a relationship with a man made alm the difference. Idiots. You just keep being puppets for whichever people could not accept that I wasn’t a psychopath. Right……

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