Depression isn’t about feeling sad. It’s about feeling nothing – a nothingness. Significant anxiety is about being worried about everything. Everything. The only relief from either is to go to sleep. You go through the motions waiting to go to bed, knowing that tomorrow it starts all over again.
I learn so much when I am out and about. It dawned on me today that most people know that you are not admitted to a mental facility unless you are considered a threat to yourself or others. But, you probably don’t know that if you cannot take care of yourself – you can be admitted because that means you are a threat to yourself. You cannot drive, buy yourself food, you sit on the couch all day watching the clock – tick, tock. And with me, add on insomnia where you feel ev er y mo ment. You have stayed on your pills faithfully – but have an episode anyway. Through some sort of miracle, my eldest sister has been able to be there for me before and after.
For some reason by the time I am at the hospital, I think I am dying. I know I am dying. My organs are gradually shutting down. I don’t care what the blood pressure reading is. It’s not accurate. Transported to the hospital. Supposed to sleep and there are people coming in the room with flashlights skulking low to try not to wake you – every 10-20 minutes – depending. And I was feeling ev er y mo ment.
So – admitted under a 5150 or 72 hours. You have to follow a routine. I got to see the worst psychologist ever. He was a blowhard. Liked to hear himself talk. I walked out on him. I have never walked out on anyone – ever. But, I was not going to sit there and listen to a blowhard.
I faked being okay and even though everyone is worried, I am set free. For a short time. My sister is driving me home and I have no interest in anything……………..bells are going off in her head. I didn’t want to eat, didn’t care. She called the police. That’s what you do when you have an adult who needs help and won’t move. I was given a choice: go to the hospital in the cruiser or ambulance. I chose the ambulance. Hmmm. Maybe I should have chosen the cruiser.
Here I go again. Always, some poor officer gets the job of watching you – because you are a threat to yourself or others. Sits in a chair and sits in a chair and sits in a chair.
5250 14 days. Wow! Sounds like I must have done something terrible. No, I lied my way out when I wasn’t ready. Round two. I was lucky to get in the same hospital. You never know where in the Bay Area you might end up. They have to find a bed for you. So, here I am dying again and at one point I just refused to do anything – talk, eat, take meds. I sat in the common room. Would not move. Finally went to my room. It took a fantastic nurse to get me to cooperate. She told me exactly what would happen if I didn’t. Did not hold a detail back. Oh, okay.
Have to have some sort of hearing at the hospital. On different meds, but not on any serotonin. That was a mistake, but maybe not. Maybe it was a blessing in disguise. Broke my ankle and had an angel as my main caregiver. My second care giver turned out to be the sister of my old boss. That was a blessing in disguise also. 11 months of hell – not feeling anything, but anxious over everything. Until I tell my doctor that I think I need serotonin. It worked. 1 month later I was driving down to So Cal for my parents’ 70th.
(It was truly a family miracle that I went to my daughters’ college graduation. Truly, truly, truly.)
Now the other part the Vigilante Stalkers don’t know (except for some). I tell my ex I am getting a divorce in April of 2012. From mid October 2012 until I can no longer work in April, I am harassed relentlessly. This had a different feel to it. More like it was coordinated. More evil. Harassment by fewer but on steroids. Home, work, car…………….this was when the book “Murder by Christmas” was left on my bed with a long strange leash like thing left on the bookcase. I am working, doing a program for 2nd year teachers, and going through hell. Then, more of you start up. I still have the “crazy” emails that I was sending everyone.
When someone is being pushed like this, they start looking crazy because they are trying to figure it out, get back some control.
Now. This information probably doesn’t even matter because of what I know………….does it?
Why wasn’t this going on last year? Or the year before when I was substituting?
Question – Who broke HIPAA laws or an oath or whatever?
Statement – There ARE people who do not want to see this die because they use this for their own gain. I guarantee you.